"Hello, my name is Tobi, and it's been 30 minutes since I attempted to be God."
It's been somewhat of a stressful week for me, if the number and content of posts has not been a clue to you yet. There have been enough happenings regarding my older two children that mama bear is threatening to awaken from hibernation. Not good. I know my kids better than anyone on the planet. Something about this knowledge, combined with their pain and my unreasonable, unconditional love for them, creates a knee-jerk reaction in me to try to save them...at the minimum, to love them through the trial as best I can.
So I just took a time out and did the healthiest thing I know when I'm stressed. I took a hot bath. Turns out, when the average temperature for my bedroom is 63F in the evenings a hot bath is my favorite place to pray. Go figure!
I was picking apart the steps needed to address each issue when I realized that this is my pattern. Picking apart for each morsel of knowledge. Frankly, my brain is so tired! And with one instance in particular, I've finally come to a blank wall. I have no idea how to figure this one out. Once more I have to thank God for a blank wall. Because with this understanding came the knowledge that I'm trying to do God's job. "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4,5) I'm seeking knowledge again with great effort, when I need to be seeking God with great effort and he will provide exactly the knowledge I need.
Seek God, not knowledge.
God, in His unreasonable, unconditional love for me, reminded me that I am to offer to him my weaknesses, my fears, my burdens. My job is to turn to Him. His job to is tell me what to do next. Oh, I hope this time I can remember this. Draw near, and he is there. Give to Him the problem and He'll give the answer. "For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6
I don't want to be God. I'm comforted that He wants to be mine. It's been 45 minutes since I tried to be God. I'm sure I'll show up at another meeting. Hopefully I'll be counting by days next time. And, by the way, my kids are fine. It's like my mom said earlier - if you tear off the cocoon for the butterfly you'll just destroy its wings. Praising the Almighty God for his patience in our transformation.
And now, if you'll join me in prayer - there is a family of someones I love dearly - they're part of my family. And they are enduring great suffering and loss at this time. I find no matter what you believe, where you stand on faith or religion, loss and suffering unite us all with the same pain. And all I can offer in the process is my love and the prayers of hope for the greater love - the unreasonable, unconditional love of Our Father, to penetrate their suffering and wrap them tenderly in His peace. Thank you for lifting them high before the Holy One.
Favored One, rest in the knowledge of God. "Then you will understand what is right and just and fair-every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." Proverbs 2:9,10
And He whispers, "I love you so."