Friday, September 7, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me!

 I don't want a cake today.  Or a fancy dinner out.  I'm sitting at my desk with sunlight streaming across it, sipping the cup of coffee my husband made for me before heading out to work.  I am more than content with celebrating my life today by simply looking at the blessings God has made from it.

For my 44th birthday I am gifting myself with a make-over.  I am thrilled to see the final result, but I have to admit I'm also nervous about the process.  You see, I have decided to remove the mask of brown hair dye and be beautiful the way God has designed me to be at just this age.  I've been thinking about this for a long time now, probably two years or more.  But recently, as my appointments have moved closer together on the calendar, I've been unable to stop myself from seeing the big pile of money stacking up on the annual table with each salon visit.  And before you think I could just use a box ~ I can't.  My hair requires a double-dosing of professional strength products and extra time under the heat lamp.  I'm special that way!  It's not that I think there's anything wrong with coloring my hair.  No, it's not about right or wrong, righteousness or sin.  I just can't help thinking how much more I want to do with that money than paint my head.

Then there's the approach of the day when people will stop saying I'm too young to have four children.  Too young to be the mother of a 22 year-old.  That my daughter and I must be sisters.  As I blush with embarrassment each time, and I try to respond with grace, I also wonder how these kind words from others are painting my identity and self-worth.  I try not to, but I am afraid each compliment adds another layer to my pride.  I mention my kids in conversation and then in the pause I wait for the inevitable.  "You look so young!"  Who will look out at me from the mirror the day all of that is stripped away? 

I just had my hair colored two days ago.  I wish I hadn't.  I'm going to Allume the end of October, meeting lovely new friends for the first time in person, and now I'm wrestling with coloring one more time or going with hair that is grown out two inches.  If I had made this decision just two days ago I would have had enough grow-out to cut my hair before this event.  I'm dreading the cut.  I wish I could just say "yes" God and wake up without any dye.  Cutting off my hair will take courage.  But it will also be symbolic of cutting away something that is not really my true identity.  God is like that, cutting away things that keep us from seeing who we are in him.  I'm leaning towards going with the grow-out.  If my real hair is as platinum as I think it is (and my hairdressers have told me) then I can just see it as a crown?  A beautiful, shiny crown?

I wrestled last night with this decision because I saw individual faces and had imaginary conversations about my new look.  But this morning I unwrapped the birthday present God gave me for being brave enough to be me.  As I studied my daily Psalm this is what He said through the writing of Eugene Peterson.

"Let them curse, but you will bless.  Let my assailants be put to shame; may your servant be glad."  Psalm 109:28

I've always seen this as battle against enemies.  But today I realized it's still the same battle against pride.  Always pride.  And Eugene spoke words against my fear and confirmed my battle stance is secure:

Our lives are not determined by popular vote.  I need to say that to myself again.  Our lives are not determined by popular vote.  "Hidden in Christ by God" (Colossians 3:3), we are beyond the fashions and opinions of other people.  If we are an "object of scorn" to many, we are recipients of "steadfast love" through Jesus Christ.  The blessing of God is far more determinative for our lives than the curses of people."

Today I dedicated money for a very special birthday present to me.  And guess what?  It's still money spent on brown hair!  Just not mine.
Meet Prottashi Chakma.  She and I share a birthday.  She is seven years old today.  Seven, the numerical symbol of fullness, completion, and perfection.  My birthday wish is that together we will discover the fullness, completion, and perfection of Him.  Happy Birthday, Prottashi!

Can I share a bit about my little girl?

Prottashi lives with her father and her mother.  She is responsible for carrying water and cleaning.  Her father is sometimes employed as a farmer and her mother maintains the home.  There are 3 children in the family.

As part of Compassion's ministry, Prottashi participates in Bible class.  She is also in primary school where her performance is average.  Singing and playing with dolls are her favorite activities.

Please remember Prottashi in your prayers.  Your love and support will help her to receive the assistance she needs to grow and develop.

I searched for Prottashi.  I just asked for a girl in Asia, born on the same day as me.  Two little girls popped up.  But Prottashi has been waiting for over six months to be sponsored.  She also lives in an area with higher risk for exploitation and abuse.  She and I?  Two little girls whose favorite activities are singing and playing with dolls, we are perfect for each other. 

I'm returning to the real me.  If I am courageous enough to do that, I'm absolutely bold enough to ask you to join me in caring for children in poverty.  Favored One, would you pray about who is really beneath the masks you wear, hair dye or not, and see if there is a party invitation you are ready to receive?  Come and celebrate pure joy with me!  Love you, Friend!

Sponsor a Child Today!

Help save a child from a lifetime of desperate poverty and despair.
Just $38 a month will change the future for your child, and your own life as well. Your child sponsorship makes possible a church-based program that provides:
Food and clean water
Medical care
Educational opportunities
A Bible in his or her native language
Life-skills training
Most important, your sponsored child will hear about Jesus Christ and be encouraged to develop a lifelong relationship with God.


...counting grace today...
1617.  a desire You gave me, to love people with more grace, live for myself less, and touch the lives of those who have so little
1618.  owning a computer with internet access, both of which can be so distracting but offer a voice and message to more people than I could in my own little world outside my door
1619.  hope, that others will join me in child sponsorship this month and learn the lessons of holding abundance loosely in hand, enjoying it best when sharing it with those in need

Linking up today with ~


friday favorite things | finding joy

26 comments:

  1. Oh Tobi....Happiest of birthdays, friend. I don't even know what to say I'm just so proud to know you. Beautiful you. And Prottashi is so blessed to know you, too (soon). What a gift!

    Off to look in His mirror and see what masks need to be pulled...thank you for urging me to keep striving. Hugs to you!

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    1. Thank you, Nikki. I can't wait to meet beautiful you.

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  2. Tobi, You'll be loved with or without a shiny crown, because He you are his beautiful poema. I love your birthday gift to yourself and hope that you and Prottashi will grow to be as kindred spirits at heart as it seems you are on paper. :)

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    1. Thank you Jessica. For you words and your prayed over blessing. I have been blessed indeed. I can't wait to see you at Allume!

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  3. This is such a beautiful gift from my parents, their response to this post, that I had to share. If for no other reason than to be able to return to it myself in days to come. Thanks so much, Mom and Dad, for loving me well.

    "She baked beautiful cakes. Long before they were famous in the small city her German Chocolate cake was a favorite at church gatherings. Even the first time visitor asked what was the name of such wonderment. Always the answers to the inevitable questions were "Maxine." "She bakes and sells them, giving her proceeds to God." "There she is. Can't miss her. She's the one with the beautiful salt-and-pepper hair."
    And it was so.
    Crowning glory framed her face. The man who stood beside her advertised his love for her.
    And the children who called her "Mama" --tho' very young--understood the love wrapped round them was from the God she loved so well.
    Meeting Maxine at a small church began lessons so special that are part of the fiber of my being. The thought of her cake fills my mouth with sweetness. But her life as wife, mother and disciple of Christ is far more memorable.

    "Taste and see that the LORD is good," says the Psalmist, "blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."

    Happy Birthday, Lovely Daughter. Tis a proud Mom and Dad who watch you grow in the LORD!"

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  4. Can I just be so Blog-Sister Bold and say Happy Birthday and I love you. You don't know me from Adam's housecat but we apparently have the same Abba and that's all that matters. Your post..is so pure...so real and so wonderful. KEEP this voice and SKIP with all the energy and wisdom God grants to His 43-going-on-44 Children!

    And if you wanna know a God thing...so many posts I've read from those I respect (and I'll now add you!) are about this very issue...pride, identity and covetousness. I believe it's a move of the Spirit upon the hearts of his writing and speaking Daughters. It's a beautiful thing...because we know that charm is indeed deceitful and beauty (especially the false beauty of the world) is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord? Whoa! SHE is to be praised....pay attention to THAT one! God bless you...oh, and BTW, my "daughter's" name is Anjela...she is from Tanzania and she has beautiful brown hair too! <>< Lorretta (dancingonthedash@wordpress.com)

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    1. Ah, Loretta, to be part of this wonderful family! Thank you, Sister, for your lavish grace on me. I'm on my way to visit your "dancing on the dash!" Can't wait to get to know you better.

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  5. Tobi,
    What a beautiful post from a beautiful person! You know I will always love you regardless of the color of you hair. :) You are loved by me and so many others because you are His and you revel in that, and it comes across clearly and simply and lovely. You are a blessing to so many!
    Birthday blessings and hugs to you,
    Beth Athey

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    1. Beth, I just love you. Thank you for your love. I'm so glad you decided friendship was the way to go when I quietly called you "Jenny" on the but heading to Junior High. It's been some wonderful decades now, eh? : ) Thanks for my hugs!

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  6. Happy Birthday Beautiful Tobi!What a wonderful post, I loved meeting you a little more ;) and Prottashi! I am praying for blessings you both. :)

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    1. I knew you would be celebrating! And you were the catalyst for CI blogging this month - thank you, friend!

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  7. late to the party as usual! hope your birthday was a very good, memorable one that you will return and visit in your heart! As for the "halo" effect- I finally gave up the color last year and by March it was all me along with the interesting new texture and body and curl my hair has developed in my dotage! Looking forward to Allume! Nancy

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    1. Oh Friend, I'm just glad you want to come to the party! I haven't been very consistent with any Blog Sisters since my move. But I'm settling in enough that I hope to do a better job keeping up with you. I look forward to seeing the real you in October and showing off my halo! : )

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  8. I love this post..... your honesty is SO refreshing. You are going to look so beautiful. I love the post you shared that your parents sent. And what a perfect way to celebrate your birthday. Prottashi and you are blessed girls to have your lives link up in this way.

    Blessings,
    Kara

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    1. Kara I'm so glad this was a blessing. Honesty is really the only way I know how to be, but it's so out-there scary at times. I have such peace with this decision. And yet. Yet. I still have to cut my hair off. And often times I think my "this is who I am" is a greater force than most people know what to do with. So your words have really blessed me. I'm SO excited to get to know Prottashi and when I've had nudges of fear I just think about all I can do to keep her little brown head in the knowledge that she is valuable. And on the others I hope to have in my life as the years go on. Then I smile and can't wait to see the end result! Sorry, long response! : ) I love how big your smile is in your picture! Blessings!

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  9. Happy Birthday to you, and Prottashi...I don't color my hair, but I have been asking God, what can I cut out so I can give more...thank you for confirming His nudge...blessings to you :)

    Linked up behind you at Ann's :)

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    1. Thanks Dolly. I've visited you before, thanks to Sweet Ann...have you in my favorites list. : ) So glad to give you a nudge! Blessings!

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  10. I had to smile when I read your blog...I came across it through Ann Voskamp's blog. I could have written these very words...my husband smiled too when I read it to him because it could have been me writing. I'm 43 going on 44, have brown hair and have just decided not to colour it anymore. I've been colouring and highlighting it for many years but over the last year or so thought maybe I should stop and just be the real me. Not that colouring your hair is wrong and that I'm not the real me if I do, but a part of me isn't...my hair. And so I made the plunge and haven't coloured it for over six months, most of the highlights have grown out though a bit lingers on the ends. I have four children too, our eldest will be 22 this coming Sunday. And over the years whenever I would meet someone new and they heard I had four children they would say "no way, you're too young, did you start when you were twelve." Or they'd think I was sister to my daughter. And yes those comments can make you feel good as a woman aging...but I so desperately want my beauty to come from within, not because of outward beauty, it is fleeting and will fade away and I want my security to be in my relationship to my King, not because of what the world perceives as beautiful. My hair is still brown but has numerous grey strands intermingled...I call them my natural highlights :-) Oh...we were also married in 1989 but in May. Your post was beautiful to read...you have a giving heart...God bless you as you make the plunge.

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    1. First, your pictures are lovely. I so enjoyed visiting your space. God is too funny, that He would link us together with so many similarities. Your family is beautiful, and I love that we have husbands who listen as we read aloud, deep enough to know when to smile. : ) I'll enjoy reading from your space. Thanks for your words.

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  11. Tobi, this is such a beautiful post!!! It is so nice to meet you & I just love your heart. So beautiful!!! Happy Belated Birthday to you & to your sweet Prottashi! What a wonderful birthday gift you have chosen for yourself! Blessings to you!

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    1. Thank you for such kindness, Jen! This really will be a defining birthday in my life, not because of the hair, but because of Prottashi. Maybe it will become a tradition? : ) Blessings to you and I look forward to getting to know you from your blog.

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  12. What a beautiful post! It's funny how this Allume countdown is causing many of us to stop and wonder... my pondering isn't about hair colour, but I have another source that cause that "layering of pride" Thank you so much for your honest words. I'm linking up behind you at Allume today, I hope your birthday was wonderful! Blessings on your day!

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    1. Oh, I'm so glad you'll be at Allume. I've read you several times off of Better Writers, but with our move this summer I've been terrible at anything consistent. Isn't pride just a root that is SO hard to cut out completely? I keep finding other shoots that have sprung up that I can trace it back to. Wish it were as easy as cutting off your hair! Somehow I think "easy" rarely fulfills His purposes! See you soon!

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  13. Happy Belated Birthday! What a beautiful post. It will be nice to meet you next month . . . however your hair looks. :) (stopping by from the Allume link-up)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! It will be SO much fun to meet everyone next month. I'll be the girl wearing a hat! Just kidding. : ) See you soon.

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  14. Happy birthday! I look forward to meeting you at Allume, no matter what color your hair is! My daughter told me the other day, "Mom, I think it's so cute that you're going gray and still look dignified." Heh!

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