"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?" Psalm 139:7
Okay - so I've been sad today. Sad in a kind of weepy, tears-rising-up unexpectedly, want to be left alone but want friends all around me kind of way. I took my husband to the airport this morning for a week back in the States. Oh, I've said goodbye at the airport more times than I can count and I'm excited for him attending this conference. But today was different. Unfortunately I let today start last night while he lay sleeping beside me in bed.
I'm a career military wife. This means many, many things to me and my fellow sisters (can't speak for the men spouses!). I know there are plenty of non-military wives that walk similar paths, but tonight I'm just going to focus on my experience. I've lived in six different states, two tours to Germany and 14 different homes. The only "place" I call home is the current address that gathers my loved ones under one roof. It's Rodenbach for now. I'm okay with this. But each time we move there is one scenario that has to be played out in the imaginings. And last night is the first time I've had a chance to think on it.
Where do I go? Where do I call home for me and the boys if something happens to Ken?
I guess many would choose not to think on this unless it became necessary. I'm not one of the many. I want to have my husband's, their father's, opinion of what is best for his family...his legacy. I want my partner for life to help me decide how to live without him if I have to. Okay - so I've been sad today. Last night I let my imaginings wander too far. And Sweetie, there's a reason why I'm to keep control of my thoughts. I allowed a day to be filled with sadness, with anxious thoughts of all the things still to be done with this over-seas move, with anger at feeling like I was all alone to carry the weight of a household and three boys growing to manhood. Oh, the seduction of vain imaginings - the enemy is so good at unraveling the great in your life. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson. I've only done this to myself one time before, when we were stationed in Cheyenne, WY. And though I actually had something to fear - Ken's cancer - it was my wandering thoughts that paralyzed me for a day then too.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalm 139:23
I know Better. Thank God my thoughts are not His thoughts, and my ways are not His ways. (Isaiah 55:8) I can't afford to wander into some places. I can't afford to wander into sin. Sin will always break my connection with God. And that in turn will always break my connection with others. My boys witnessed today some of the sorrow and some of the anger (I'm not super good at hiding things). They actually fielded some of it because I chose to pull weeds and rake some leaves when we got home from the airport - with them - on a holiday that was perfect for bike-riding (they got to go eventually.) And after a few angry outbursts I've apologized for, I've tried to piece together the peace that usually rests on this home. I've born the consequence of it, as I've had to confess it to my youngest and feel the heavy sorrow in my heart as he tells me he can't sleep because he's worried about his dad. Sin always has consequences, and unfortunately often shares its burden with the innocent.
The Good News? Well, for starters, I wasn't successful at piecing the peace together. Truthfully I wasn't even trying to. God rushed in and settled my heart for me. I can tell you where I was and what I was doing when He moved. BTW - Thank you Sweet Jesus. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near." When I let my thoughts run free I push the knowledge of Christ far from grasp. But the Lord is near. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:4-7
Favored One, it may feel as if we're on our own at times. Just remember - you're never alone. The God who placed a holy kiss on your lips is in each breath you take. He's never further than a breath away. Come, Lord Jesus, and guard our thoughts. Protect us from the trials we've created in our thoughts, so that our gentleness may be evident to all - especially ourselves.
Rejoice!...The Lord is near.