Thursday, August 12, 2010

A Summer of Waiting

Random thoughts, from a woman who has no time. Well, I should say from a woman who has a hard time prioritizing which of the many things on my to-do list I should do. Today is my 21st anniversary. My husband is coming home early so that we can celebrate together with dinner and a movie. I know, we're low maintenance, but every survey we take says we've been married for at least 50 years, so consider us seniors and know we're content with a cup of coffee and a sunset or talking in the car at midnight because we just can't seem to get enough minutes in each day for each other. Sappy, right?

So, I'm a perfectionist. Writing in this style is challenging to me. When I post I typically take an hour to create the post. Today I gave myself a 30 minute limit and used it up changing my background. Right. Because I continue to learn what it means to be a perfectionist living under the grace of God, I've recently discovered that I have two options to fill in the gap when I fail. (And it's tempting to think I've failed when in this season I don't seem to have enough time in a day) I grew up inserting SHAME in that gap. No blame to my parents - I think many of us were raised this way. Actually, it goes back to our beginning as beings, when that first gap occurred in our relationship with God. I think shame is rooted in pride and pride wants to be its own god, so - I've picked up shame almost as an instinctive response. PRIDE tries to be God by taking control, by defending choices, and attempts to be secure.

Trying to be God - "It is written, Thou shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve." Luke 4:8
Taking Control - "But the LORD has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge." Psalm 94:22
Attempting Security - "Whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe." Proverbs 29:25

My alternate choice is to insert PATIENCE in the gap. I'm learning to be patient with myself. After all, God is patient with my imperfection. His plan is a process. So I'm trying to ditch pride and learning to be patient in the process.

Ditching pride is good. Here's a glimpse into my pride whispers just from checking out the Pioneer Woman's blog since I moved here:

Wow - Tobi, you're SO not funny. You're blog is all scripture, and lesson learning, and HEAVY.
HOW does she have time for all of this? You should get up earlier and stay up later and ...
She cooks. I used to cook.
She bakes. I used to bake.
She plays soccer with her kids. Well, I play board games?
She takes amazing pictures. She learns how to use her computer.

She is amazing. Simply because she is an amazing creation of God. And so am I. And so are you. Pride will distort and destroy the Beauty we are created by and to be. It breeds quarrels and discontent, lies and shame. But Patience. Patience exclaims, "You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you. You were were were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God. The royal daughter is all glorious within. You are complete in Him." (Song of Sol. 4:7; 1 Cor 6:11; Ps 45:13; Col 2;10)

So I'm back to the blogging world. My house is almost in order, my "settling in" responsibilities almost done, and a new school year about to start. I glad to be back in the world of order (perfectionists crave order) and hopeful to post regularly again. And finally, I'm grateful that I am me. This blog was born out of obedience to God. He can use my ramblings, in just their style to whatever purpose He wants. I never know who reads this, what you read in it, or how it speaks to you. But I know God does. And I pray each time before I press "publish" that these "heavy" words lift your spirit and proclaim your worth and that you leave not only feeling my embrace...but the embrace of your Father. Amen, and amen!

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

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